an ode for N

I’m just going to say this outright; I’m not the worlds most sympathetic person. I’m never going to win the nobel peace prize for kindness to humanity, mainly because I want to punch too many people in the face. Quite simply, some people I find quite annoying, and I simply cannot suppress my obvious irritation.

It should not come as much of a surprise then when I say now that I am quite sick of all the whiners in the world. You know who I’m talking about. The kind of person who when asked ‘How are you going?’ will interpret that as an invitation to openly discuss in a whiney tone their bills which are due next week and the terrible smell coming from their bathroom. The sort of chap who doesn’t wait for someone to ask him his opinion on anything, because give him a minute and he’ll tell you for nothing. The sort of person who jumps onto facebook and writes silly little status updates which reads along the lines of: “I’m cold and need cuddles. Too bad I’ve got no-one to snuggle with”. Please, enough.

Let me enlighten you, whiners of the world; if you’re going to spend all of your time sitting on the computer complaining to everyone about your lack of human company on a Friday night, then there’s only going to be one outcome. Whilst every other hormone riddled youth is out roaming the streets and pressing their bodies up against each other in the bathrooms of clubs, you’re sitting at home on your laptop, alone. Whilst they’re out selling heroin in the corner and exchanging saliva on the dance floor, you’re going to be sitting at home staring at that blinking cursor on your screen, thinking up what witty yet desperate status you’re going to post next to gain some sympathy. Of course you’ve got no-one to hug. It’s because you’re simply an annoying person.

But do you think that telling these people this is going to change anything? I’m telling you now. Whilst I can’t speak for everyone, I know for a fact that if I read a message reading ‘I’m lonely but no-one will hug me’ or ‘argh work tomorrow fml’, I’m not going to feel sorry for you. My first thought is not to empathies with you.  I’m only going to feel irritated. I’m going to feel a strong urge to unplug my toaster, get into my car, drive to your house, knock on your door and then throw said toaster in your unsuspecting face. And I will do it. Don’t think I’m joking.

Whiners of the world; take note. Please stop talking. Stop writing these Facebook updates. Stop telling me about your cat when I didn’t ask you. Because no-one’s listening. We’ve all logged off.