don't call me baby

There is something that you dear reader and I have in common. Ever though we may have never met before. Even if you are a boy and I am a girl, or if you live in Finland and I in a different hemisphere. We are all living and breathing creatures. We have all had to have been born. It doesn’t matter if you are an IVF child, or if you where born a la natural, we have all been expelled from some poor woman’s body at some stage. 

Any time there is any mention of the words ‘childbirth’ or ‘labour’ on the television, my Mother talks for hours and hours about all the pain and goo she went through to bring me into this world. Which makes me feel guilty, even though it wasn’t my fault. So, if all the pain, why did you go back for more? If the act of pushing something the size of a watermelon out of something the size of a lime is so God damn awful, then why do we do it? And, more to the point, why do mothers go back for second, or third children?

I cannot tell you how this came about, but this afternoon at work my colleagues and I decided to watch on YouTube some footage of a woman giving birth. For purely educational purposes I assure you. Now wasn’t that an experience to behold. I felt achy and exhausted and this sudden inexplainable hatred towards all men, and I was simply watching. 

I always was under the impression that childbirth was much like that sketch from Monty Python. You’d be standing at your kitchen sink doing the dishes when all of a sudden a little brown slimy thing would plop out of you and slither to the floor, to be picked up by one of your 15 other children. Or maybe that was just in early 20th Yorkshire where that happens. 




Back at work, all of the mothers in the room went all misty-eyed and gasped in amazement at this new life being created right there on the screen. And I’m sure that it is beautiful and amazing ect. But both myself and the other childless woman in the room were too busy crossing our legs in sympathy and thinking of ways to avoid men for eternity. To quote: “That’s the cheapest form of contraception I know.” I’m sorry to all you mothers out there, but no matter how much you gush about the beauty of birth and giving life, it is just simple disgusting. I’d never have ever thought that there would be so much debris and blood. It looks every bit as bloody painful as you all keep harping on about.

But look around you. Unless you’ve unfortunately fallen down a mine shaft recently, chances are that there is a human being of some description in the vicinity of the room that you’re in. That other person has had to have been born, much like yourself. And me. I was born too. We’ve all caused some poor woman out there a world of pain.

This got me thinking. This whole ‘birthing’ thing was awful. I grew up on a farm and have seen calving from a young age. Let me explain for you the process involved. Cow + Farmer + an old piece of rope + a lot of tugging = a goopy looking calf laying in the hay.

Overall, the whole process is quite brutal and, coincidentally, animalistic. I always imagined that when it was my turn, it would be so much nicer. But after what I’ve seen today, I think not. 


To be honest, I think it’s worse for humans. For starters, I am a human being, thus I have emotions and feelings. I’m going to feel a wee bit embarrassed and exposed with my legs thrust into metallic stirrups with my lady garden on displayed for all to see.

I’m just simply amazed that after all that pain, after all the goo and muck, the swearing and punching, that women go back for seconds.Why? Is there some sort of prize at the end of it? Eternal glory? From what I can gather all that happens is you get fat and lumpy and are presented with a gooey thing which constantly cries.

Does this mean that I’ll never have children? No. Does it mean I will? No. Who know’s what will happen. But there is one thing I know. I will be sticking to viewing teenagers lighting their own farts on YouTube for a while I think....